What poured out of me was a reaction to what I saw after being on the operating table. The shriek, I do remember. It was a reaction in my soul that told me I could not give up and would not go through it again. Cancer, no matter the type, is an evil doer. I wanted to live, of course, so, I prayed and tried to be optimistic.
But my cancer tried hard to zap my will to live. I will never forget how that felt.
Of course, there was no talk at my university in the 80s and 90s, about one’s grief and fear of death with cancer. How unexpected it was. My weakness was temporary and my motivation for survival was not to be ignored. It was a temporary state I could press through. I thought, “Tomorrow I will be stronger for that which I plan for today.”
Moving years ahead, I’m sitting in my black robe and tasseled hat as the Bradley University president introduces me. I strutted back to my seat in anticipation of a boring graduation speech. Instead, it was a speech that would wow and awe me. The university president spoke of our future, and it helped me move forward.
“There is nothing wrong with any of you,” he said. “From this degree you will go about turning life into a quest for alternatives, endless jobs interviews, new surroundings and opened windows. One thing I can assure you is that your future is not a road trip. Take some comfort from the notion that no matter how unpalatable this may seem, your destiny may turn out to be a better outcome than what you might have imagined.”
At that moment, I was thinking my train won’t stop until I had exhausted the rest of my dreams and my life feels complete.
Envisioning my life and precious moments made me decide I wanted to live out my dreams of a corporate job, home ownership and a loving marriage — but that came after a few years of recklessness and ongoing partying. It took time for me to figure out my best path.
Then cancer taught me to learn about time.
Time froze when I heard the news of my cancer discovery. I realized I had to make the best of my time. I didn’t freak out, but I remember putting on my Nike waffle trainers to run and push through to recover stronger and be a better runner than before the cancer.
What frightened me most after my diagnosis was thinking about time and my future. The thought of losing precious time. Would my future happen to be a trailblazer? There was no more wasting time trying something that is impossible or couldn’t happen in a million years.
But I sometimes wondered if I was hampering myself and should forge ahead instead plugging through each week. Focusing on each day being better than the one before changed my life. It provided me a path to discover life’s challenges and solutions.
It’s that emotional acceptance that puts you into a small group. I needed to learn something. I needed to see the world from a fresh perspective and to capture what it means to be human in this complex and flawed world. So often, we do not understand. Cancer has given me so much to think about. Here, I am hoping, as gladiators do, not for glory, but for survival.
Processing Grief After Cancer
I would love to say I processed my grief and all my anger years back and shared all my feelings and life ambitions like a live stand-up comedy show. But that was not the case. I do not know when, exactly, grief is ever processed. But, in my case it came about only after talking aloud about it.
My reserved mind often participated in black-and-white thinking. Put simply,I didn’t know that grieving from my past connected me to my future. Instead, I buried it away like time in a bottle to let me move on with life.
One thing I do know is that there are so many things I still don’t know about myself. But that is fine. It’s part of my ongoing process of learning and becoming better. It didn’t mean that my personal path would be easy.
Cancer can take over a life, even after you are cured. If you are not careful, it can annihilate your dreams.
I don’t want to be as sappy as a Lifetime movie. There’s no wrong time or way to grieve. My cancer was very unexpected; for years, it was hard for me to talk about it with most people. I reflected on times when I did things that hurt me and still remained close to those who consumed my flame of life. I fought that feeling and appeal to others to keep your flame of hope and goals alive by surrounding yourself with people who encourage your growth.Just because something consumes our lives that does not mean it should do so in perpetuity.
Most important in dealing with your own personal grief, is to be kind to yourself. Grief often takes us on a path with mixed emotions. I discovered through years of beating myself up that it takes time, and I am not as bad off as I thought.
I am alive, healthy, can run, write and dream. I learned to follow dreams and passions, as it is what makes me feel like I’m living the life that was meant for me.
Grief is a natural reaction to a circumstance. It exists between us and our actions to life’s settings.Take the opportunity to grieve, but then follow your dreams of life and live it up.
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